13 ACTIONS you should avoid when you are newly separated!
Going through a Divorce? There are rules newly separated couples need to follow while going through the divorce proceedings.
Newly separated folks often do and say things that they will regret in the future. Emotional outbursts and acts in the name of “Pay Back” are often the causes of money lost, child custody at risk and even folks getting hurt physically.
The reason? It’s a difficult, emotional, unbelievably scary, precarious time during which people become temporarily different people.
A confident, stable, person can temporarily turn into an insecure, emotional mess who is always unsure of him or herself and who can’t seem to get their stuff together, but It is a time of weakness and extreme vulnerability and does not cause extreme acts like the ones we are going to talk about in this article. Extreme insecurity and self-hatred can lead to bad decisions in some cases, The good news? Thank God this is usually not permanent!
Learn from others who have been newly separated and divorced and learn from their mistakes without making them!
I recently heard the story of a divorced man who told me that when he was newly separated a few years back, he had a few glasses of whisky one night and left a long message on his soon-to-be ex’s voicemail, using several expletives (lots of four-letter words) and spewing out threats that had him thrown in jail temporarily.
His ex’s attorney played the voicemail in court, and he ended up losing joint physical custody of his son. That made me sick to hear. Why? Because that could happen to anyone. It’s a combination of bad luck and making the bad choice of drinking alcohol while going through a rough time. However, sometimes it’s simply bad character manipulation and vindictive behavior that is now exposed. Once the law is involved all spotlight is on bad behavior, and the newly separated couple can no longer get away with acts that may have been common behavior toward the end of the marriage. The Judge will frown on childish behavior especially if it can potentially affect the wellbeing of children involved.
When people are newly separated, they sometimes act crazy and do crazy things!
For some, being newly separated it feels like you are on trial like you are being watched and judged. It’s scary. You don’t know what your ex is going to do, or what moves the other is going to make because all of a sudden, this once so familiar person has become the enemy, even a total stranger.
It’s a terrible feeling and a feeling of betrayal by a person you shared your life with and have children with. Often the memories of togetherness go back to high school prom and college years. Shared friends, shared stories, shared losses of family members, friends, and animals. How does that just all go away seemingly overnight? Now there is hate, where there was once love. Friends have to choose which side they are on, and family gatherings can become extremely awkward.
I think eventually when a deal is made and when the divorce is final, everyone exhales and hopefully your relationship with your ex-gets better because the pressure is finally off. Some ex-wives and ex-husbands never get better and spend their entire life trying to figure out how they can make you miserable. That can be very difficult for the children involved and often causes families to split in more than one way. It can also cause you to have to go back to court for custody and child support hearings and sometimes we have to enforce the law by implementing restraining orders for the miserable ex.
Why Newly Separated Couples should seek Counseling!
Child custody, child support, and even alimony are in jeopardy for the soon to be ex that goes temporarily insane.
Here are some things you shouldn’t do when you are newly separated or divorced ( NEVER EVER!)
1. Leave voicemail messages for ANYONE after you’ve been drinking or even if you are sober if it might paint you as a crazy person
2. Send an email, text, or message over FB Messenger to your ex, a friend, or family member that might incriminate you in any way and you wouldn’t want a judge or the opposing attorney to see
3. Drink and drive
4. Talk badly about your ex in front of your KIDS
5. Talk badly about your ex to people in your community
6. Send an incriminating email or text to your ex when you are really upset
7. Bother your attorney for every little detail, remember that hourly billing adds up and it is not a productive act. (We don’t charge by the hour), however, we ask our clients to make detailed notes and provide this documentation when our legal team schedules your meetings)
8. Start dating right away to get back at your ex, or to get over your ex
9. Take drugs or drink excessively to try to numb your pain
10. Threaten your ex and the children
11. Tear up old photos and destroy memories that you might want back when you are back to normal
12. Do anything out of spite or just to cause your ex-pain for no other reason other than that you are in pain
13. Become physically violent when you see your ex – damage the ex’s belongings
Behave and control your emotions or you stand to lose more than your spouse!
These actions usually turn out to be embarrassing memories and often require the law to be involved to stop the crazy ex from doing further damage. Being newly separated is hard. And the frequent feelings of hopelessness, because of a traumatic loss is normal but temporary if you just hang in there long enough to let the acute pain pass.
Some counselors say divorce is worse than death for the person that does not want the divorce because the ex is still alive but chooses not to be with them. When someone dies, you can always hang on to the idea of love and remember your husband or wife in a favorable way. When they divorce you, or you divorce them the situation is usually ugly. Not so sad in the beginning, just upsetting and hurtful.
A wound has to heal, and the ex can literally keep pulling the scab off the wound making it feel like it did on day one. tIt’s up to you to put a band-aid on it and keep it on there until time has passed and you can finally take it off. So, what I am saying is that it’s good to stay away from the acute drama until you are mentally stable enough to take the pain without being too vulnerable and crazy.
So, next time your ex-sends you a nasty email or text, don’t furiously hit your key buttons answering them with four-letter words or threats. Wait until you both calm down and take the high road. Actually, you can answer the email and say whatever you’d like. It’s healthy to vent. Just don’t hit “send!” Follow the 24-hour rule. Leave it in the draft and read it the next day. Ughhh, thank God you did not hit send!
If you are newly separated and have not yet hired an attorney to represent you, or your ex-has not hired us, feel free to contact us for a complimentary consultation in our office.